Spy Dude
January 2006
Chuck Norris
• Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When the director said he can't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.
• If paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
• Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step-father.
• It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
• Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris carries a man bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact.
• When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was
10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wimpy.
• Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
• A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you grimly.
• Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful; it can be seen from outer
space by the naked eye.
• Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
• Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.
• If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies just check the extinct species list.
• Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
• When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said,†don’t worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
• We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before they could tell him there was a stripper in it.
• Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.
• If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris
• Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poops them out transformed into a robot.
• Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, he simply changes the actual spelling of it.
• Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence. Before email was invented Chuck Norris would attach messages to kittens and roundhouse kick them.
• In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.
• Chuck Norris was once asked to recommend a club to which he replied 'I am a club' and everyone partied on him... Until he roundhouse kicked them all because someone spilt his beer.
• Chuck Norris' tears are the fountain of youth. Too bad he has never cried.
• Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f*ck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
• Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
• Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
• Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
• The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
• Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.
• When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
• Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
• Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having s*x with his waitress.
• Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
• When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
• Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
• A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
• Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
• Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying “booya".
• Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
• Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
• The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
• Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.
• Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
• If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
• One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris was working out in the gym with one of his daughter-in-laws. In an attempt to impress Norris, she started to train really hard. When she asked Chuck if he was impressed, he replied with "Weights don't hit back" and broke her neck with a roundhouse.
• Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.
• Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.
• Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
