hugh grant
March 2006
okay heres all the chuck norris jokes... now lets leave this subject for a while!!!
Chuck Norris
• Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When the director said he can't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.
• If paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
• Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step-father.
• It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
• Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris carries a man bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact.
• When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was
10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wimpy.
• Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
• A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you grimly.
• Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful; it can be seen from outer
space by the naked eye.
• Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
• Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.
• If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies just check the extinct species list.
• Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
• When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said,†don’t worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
• We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before they could tell him there was a stripper in it.
• Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.
• If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris
• Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poops them out transformed into a robot.
• Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, he simply changes the actual spelling of it.
• Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence. Before email was invented Chuck Norris would attach messages to kittens and roundhouse kick them.
• In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.
• Chuck Norris was once asked to recommend a club to which he replied 'I am a club' and everyone partied on him... Until he roundhouse kicked them all because someone spilt his beer.
• Chuck Norris' tears are the fountain of youth. Too bad he has never cried.
• Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f*ck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
• Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
• Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
• Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
• The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
• Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.
• When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
• Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
• Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having s*x with his waitress.
• Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
• When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
• Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
• A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
• Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
• Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying “booya".
• Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
• Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
• The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
• Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.
• Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
• If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
• One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris was working out in the gym with one of his daughter-in-laws. In an attempt to impress Norris, she started to train really hard. When she asked Chuck if he was impressed, he replied with "Weights don't hit back" and broke her neck with a roundhouse.
• Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.
• Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.
• Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
______________Chuck Norris and Mr T
According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you to yesterday.
§ Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.
§ Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died because of his weak spot, the Achilles tendon. There is no Chuck Norris tendon.
§ Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
§ Wilt Chamberland once claimed to have sex with over 20,000 women during his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls that "a slow Tuesday".
§ A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured the man's blindness. Unfortunately, the first, last and only thing this man ever saw was a fatal roundhouse kick delivered by Chuck Norris.
§ They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take sh *t from anybody.
§ As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated team in professional football history.
§ Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
§ Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
§ Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the possibilityof failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
§ The movie Anaconda was filmed in Chuck Norris' pants.
§ Outer Space exists because it is afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris always has s * x on the first date. Always.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f**king Indian.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
* When Chuck Norris was a child, he made his mother finish his
vegetables.
* Chuck Norris won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance
Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.
* Every day is the longest day of Chuck Norris's life. For terrorists,
the
shortest.
* What color is Chuck Norris's blood? Trick question. Chuck Norris does
not
bleed.
* Chuck Norris once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next
half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
* When Chuck stares into the sun, the sun flintches.
* If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken,
but
Chuck Norris says its beef. Then it's beef.
* Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right
now
is because Chuck Norris does not feel like carrying you.
* James Bond has a license to kill. Chuck Norris don't need any
licenses.
* Chuck Norris' calender goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no
one
fools Chuck Norris.
* 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Chuck Norris. Sounds like a fair
fight.
* Chuck Norris was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to
Chuck
Norris.
* Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
* When life gave Chuck Norris lemons, he used them to kill terrorists.
Chuck
Norris hates lemonade.
* Chuck Norris doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was
shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
* You can lead a horse to water. Chuck Norris can make him drink.
* Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made
him
blink.
* Chuck Norris once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5
CIA
Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who
downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
* Killing Chuck Norris doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
* Chuck Norris would vote for Hillary Clinton to be president just so he
could assassinate her.
* Chuck Norris does the Sunday New York Times Crossword Puzzle in ink.
* When Google can't find something, it asks Chuck Norris for help.
* In 96 hours, Chuck Norris has killed 93 people and saved the world 4
times. What have you done with your life?
* There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Chuck Norris way. It's
basically the right way but faster and more deaths.
* Why did the terorrist cross the street? To get hit by a car before
Chuck
Norris could get him.
* When Chuck Norris watches a pot, it boils immediately.
* Chuck Norris once killed a group of Samurai Warriors with only a ball
point pen. This lead to the phrase "The pen is mightier than the
sword."
* It would only take 1 bullet for Chuck Norris to kill 50 Cent.
* Chuck Norris has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars.
* When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck
Norris.
* Scissors are scared to run with Chuck Norris.
* Chuck Norris got Hellen Keller to talk.
* People with amnesia still remember Chuck Norris. Facts on Chuck Norris
• To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
• Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
• When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
• According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
• A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
• If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
• The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
• When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.
• Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
• Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
• A recent poll discovered 93% of women think about Chuck Norris during sex. A similar poll discovered Chuck Norris thinks about Chuck Norris 100% of the time during sex.
MR
•Mr. T's edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words “Right behind you" written on it.
•23. That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence
•Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he can only kick through doors.
•Every time Mr. T pities the fool, a porn star regains her virginity. Then proceeds to lose it to Mr. T.
•Despite popular belief, if there is a fool in the woods, and nobody is around to hear his jibba jabba, Mr. T is still able to pity him.
•The last time Mr. T went to McDonald's, Ronald McDonald greeted him. What occured next proved to be the most violent beating of a clown ever recorded in human history.
•When Dr. Bruce Banner gets angry, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets angry, he turns into Mr. T.
•During one of his frequent time-travelling adventures, Mr. T was accosted by a horde of frenzied Olde Englishmen who believed he was "Mr. Tea" and that he was going to supply them with all the tea and crumpets they could possibly desire. With a single blow, Mr. T knocked the entire mob unconscious. To this day, English people still have gnarly-ass teeth.
•If you were ever foolish enough to get into a fight with Mr. T, there would only be two hits: Mr. T hitting you, and you hitting the surface of the Sun.
•Originally the A-Team was named T-Team and consisted of Mr. T and six of his genetically engineered clones driving around in a van made of pure gold. Producers changed the format after every criminal known to man was killed in the pilot episode.
•Mr. T made his van go twice the speed of light because he wanted to prove that quantum physics was a bunch of jibba jabba.
•Mr. T's hair style is actually a complex array of antennas that can triangulate the exact location of any fool in the universe. His gold chains can then transmit pity to those coordinates.
•The vegetarian group PETA one time tried to establish the catchphrase "We PETA the fool who eats animals." Upon learning of this blatant theft of his catch phrase, Mr. T founded McDonalds.
•Mr. T's incredible greatness has been attributed to the fact that his genetic code doesn't have any A, G, or C. His genetic code is in fact, nothing but T's.
•Small animals find Mr. T irresistible and can be found playing in his Mohawk. Mr. T tolerates them because "they don't give me no lip."
•Mr. T's GMC van does not travel on solid surfaces, but instead mathematical planes. In other words, it can go wherever the hell Mr. T wants.
•Remember, only you can prevent forest fires. But also remember that you can't do shit, because Mr. T is the one who starts them, and no one can stop that crazy fool.
•Mr. T once got into a fight with a ninja. He killed the ninja, but only after the ninja had cut off two of his fingers. Those fingers grew up to be Gary Coleman and Webster.
•When Mr. T puts on his dancing shoes, you better f-ing run.
•Mr. T can count past infinity
•When Mr. T has nightmares, people around him start dying for no reason.
•Mr T defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you're still alive, it's because Mr T loves you.
•Mr. T took Mother Nature from behind. We refer to the event as the Big Bang.
•Mr. T was once clocked at 100 fps. That's 100 fools pitied a second.
•Mr. T was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.
•Mr. T knows the muffin man; he had sex his wife.
•Mr. T does not grow a Mohawk on purpose. It's actually just his hair trying to give you the finger.
•World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, Mr. T ate Kobayashi.
•If at the exact same moment, the same person was pitied by Mr. T and roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, the universe would implode.
Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication isfolding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of thesituation, he is always understood.
Why does Mr. T wear still have his mohawk? Cause his reflection pities the fool who don't!
Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he thencreated Pity.
Who let the dogs out? Mr. T did, that's who. What the hell are you goingto do about it?
23. That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it hastaken you to read this sentence.
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. A bird in the hand of Mr.Tis a deadly weapon in 17 states.
There are now over 43 fools born every minute in order to keep up with the rate at which Mr. T pities them.
Before Mr. T, the alphabet only had 25 letters.
Mr. T took Mother Nature from behind. We refer to the event as the Big Bang.
During the filming of Rocky III, Burgess Meredith asked Mr. T why he wore so much gold. To make a long story short, the script had to be changed to include Mickey's "accidental" death.
___
If Chuck Norris saw this site, he would delete the internet.
